-fuzzy cornrows
-asymmetric cuts
-high waisted straight legs
-the Gumby
-clear lip gloss w/ black lined lips

Things that should have died with the old millennium….#IJS

Scratch that top one…my lovin is freakin awesome…lol

It All Belongs to Me…

Be informed: This post is me being incredibly transparent…SORRY!!!!

The awkward moment when you realize that you’ve been doing shit for the wrong reasons…

So, I’ve been trying to lose weight lately. I would love to blame the reason that I’m so big on the fact that I just had a child, but…part of me knows that that’s not really the fair truth. I was heavy before and now my heavy is much more pronounced. I put myself on a walking/jogging regiment, I’ve been crazy anal about calorie intake, and I’ve been forcing myself to drink as much water as I can stand…only to have GAINED 7 more pounds. Needless to say, my motivation was all but completely obliterated. I felt so defeated. I had a goal…at least 15 lbs before my son’s father got back from boot camp, and when I got to week 10 and I had only managed to lose 3 lbs…I gave up. I guess I didn’t understand why all of my efforts weren’t returning results…and then it hit me…I’m not doing this for me. 

My main motivation for getting back in shape has been so my ex will find me attractive and want to come back( yeah yeah yeah it sounds pathetic, but I’m not the only muthafucka around this bitch thinking like that, and at least I have the cojones to admit the shit.) I’m not sure if he does or not, but I do know that the girls that are getting compliments from him about being “fine” or “beautiful” aren’t my size. I suppose I feel ( more like felt nowadays) like I need to compete. What de fuq, right????!!!!

Love and logic hardly ever cohabitate…and this is proof. Logically speaking, if ol’ boy isn’t trying to come back because I continually support him through all of his mistakes, many lies, and bad decisions; take care of him in his low moments; and love him and all of his imperfections…then he’s probably not going to do so if I lose some poundage either…and even if he does, he probably isn’t coming back for the right reasons and therefore our reconciliation isn’t going to last. I suppose that wasn’t completely considered when I was setting my goal and motivations.

Realizing that I was losing weight for the wrong reason really set the wheels a-turning though. How many other things in my life am I doing with misguided motivation?  Sadly,my wanting to be a professional musician kinda falls into that category. When I perform, I’m not invisible. I do it so other people with like it and be pleased with me.   I’m not doing it so much because it makes me happy…and that’s my problem. 

I’m stagnant because my drive is placed incorrectly. I’m not doing this to make me better for me…I’m doing them so others can love me and accept me. To move forward, my personal happiness and satisfaction have got to be my reasons for doing things. I’m disappointed so often because I put 120% of my energy into someone else’s happiness, and then they don’t even acknowledge it and even if they do, they don’t appreciate it. Doing me has got to be for me…Losing weight has got to be so I can be healthy and comfortable with my looks. Performing has got to be about making me feel good FIRST or it means nothing…pure and simple. And I’m done…

Whatever….

“Yeah Okay… Whatever”

“Whatever, Dude”

“I don’t care…It’s Whatever”

A smart man never underestimates a woman’s “whatever” in any form.   He understands that a calm whatever is much more dangerous than a loud angry no. “Whatever” is numb, it’s indifferent, it has nothing to lose. “No”, with a bit of work, can be persuaded to change it’s mind…but because whatever looks so much like yes, a lot of men don’t even catch that something is wrong, and they miss the opportunity to do something before whatever turns into a stone heart where any change is impossible. Whatever is insidious. It doesn’t make waves because it cares not to make waves…It doesn’t get mad because it doesn’t matter anymore what you’re doing. Whatever bows out of the situation with much grace and dignity. If you say you love her and you mean it…No shouldn’t be what you’re trying to avoid…it’s whatever. The sad thing is you might be too late and not even know it…

It’s official…I’m screwed up

Guys that approach me with “hey sexy” get the side eye. In my head, sexy doesn’t equate to beautiful, it doesn’t even equate to “You’re attractive”…it means “you’re at least fuckable”. I don’t believe in being an asshole for no good reason so usually I respond with a “thanks” and keep it moving. Years of jackassery have left a bad taste in my mouth…its not that I’m bitter, I think I’m just skeptical to the point of not engaging the situation at all. As far as I’m concern, most guys don’t want a whole bunch, and I’m fresh outta time to be concerned with the little that they do want…so not engaging becomes my best option. I’m pretty sure that there is some really great guy out there made just for me, but as the last 7 years I’ve only manage to get a whole bunch of “hey sexy’s” that have lead nowhere but drama. Hopefully, “the One” will have something better on deck like a “Hey, my name is blah blah. What’s yours?” …otherwise I’m gonna miss out because I’m not going to give him the time of day. #IJS

….in a “I hate folks/ people suck ass” mood today…It’s reallly quite inconvenient actually.

…well

“If you can’t read music, speak and understand musical lingo, AND understand at least basic music theory…then you are NOT a musician. Liking or loving music, having the ability to sing or play an instrument by ear, or being able to make beats on your computer does NOT qualify you as a musician. Musicians put in the time to understand the craft. They don’t do it for applause or money. They do it because they love the art and want to share the beauty that they’ve found with others. They understand that when they’re performing that it’s not about people liking them, but people hearing their story. It’s about expression, pure and simple. They compete against only themselves, and respect those that do the same. Obviously being a musician isn’t a necessity to make a living playing music, and many ( if not most now a days) are not…and that’s actually okay. But, if you fit into the musically illiterate category…Do all of us REAL musicians a favor, and leave the title that we put sweat, tears, time and REAL passion into alone….”

(via soulsoferuption)

….come to think of it…No the fuck I don’t

(Source: divinitatis, via nubian-dreams)